As soon as I walked out into the cold, I just wanted to cry. For so many months now it’s been a cycle of building something, having it utterly torn down and then trying to put the pieces back together again. I had just walked out of a room full of people who knew exactly what they were doing, when, how, why and where, or so it seemed. And me? I didn’t know the answer to any of those questions.
For so long I have stood on the side of the street waiting for my dad to pick me up. So many nights I have stood there, in freezing temperatures and not actually even realizing that it is in fact cold, because I would have been drowning in my thoughts. I would be holding a heavy bag on my shoulder, and holding whatever else didn’t fit in my hands and being so tired my knees could have buckled….yet those things didn’t even occur to me. Some nights I would just sit on the stairs of a building and stare of into the distance because I was mentally and physically exhausted from the failure that was everyday.
What made it even worse was that I was constantly around people who did it a thousand times better than I could. Who could blew gently into the wind and move mountains that I had been trying nudge with every ounce of effort, with my feet digging into the ground. It didn’t seem fair to me at all. What I had worked on with all my heart, someone could do that much better with less than 20 percent of the energy that I had spent on it.
And I kept going over in my head that “Hey look, if God got you here. This is what He wants you to do. This is what He has prepared you for.” So I believed in that every time, and each and every single time I failed. Not just failed, but miserably failed. Each time it was a punch in the gut or a cold slap on the face. Time and time again I wasn’t good enough to do what I thought God wanted me to do. I remember telling my friends “It’s like I’m hitting a wall each time”. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what perspective I looked at it from I felt like a complete failure.
I was seeing all these people on social media. Yes, I’ve done that too! I was just watching them achieve goal after goal, and although I knew that this wasn’t real life and that these were just highlight reels, it didn’t stop me from feeling bad. So many times I would cry when I went to bed, and cry when I feel asleep because that was all I had left to do.There was one journal entry of mine that I remember quite well. It reads:
“Today dreams died. They were crushed. God will show me the next step, the right path. I am not alone. He is God of the Hills and the Valleys”21.5.19
There are countless entries in my journal like this, where I just cry out from the depths of my heart. Many times I couldn’t even put it in to words, or have the strength left to cry, so I would just sit and stare. For the first time in my life I had no idea what I was doing. NO IDEA.
Now, I could sit here and give you all the Pinterest quotes, podcast talks and motivational speeches but chances are that won’t change anything. If this is what you are meant to go through, then this is what you will go through. Those things could change your perspective, they could motivate you that to climb one more step but you will still have to go through the fire to be able to make it out the other end as the person you were meant to be. Not what you were meant to do, or the goal that you achieved or the job that you got. To be the person you were meant to BE, can only come through the process of reaching the goals, not the actually goal itself. Where you find yourself is in the journey of getting to that destination, and I am here to tell you that you have everything that it takes to get there inside of you. But you have to make that journey.
This is all not to say that God is not good. It is to say that He is so good that He is trying to grow you and transform you into the best you and the only way He can do that is to allow these moments in your life. It is not a punishment, it is not His anger that is causing this season. In fact it is His overwhelming love for us, to see us become the best version of ourselves. When we look at it from our own perspective we see failure written all over the wall but when we it from God’s perspective we see opportunity.
Lastly, I want to remind you to cherish the moments of happiness, of joy, of peace and love. You see my journal may be filled with pages of sorrow, grief and confusion but when I look close enough I can see answered prayers, moments of freedom and memories of joy and love. Everything can not and will not go right in life, but it’s not all that bad! Where you can, try to see God at work in the small things and maybe you can see Him in the big ones too!
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all our ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”Prov. 3:5-6
Stay Blessed and Don’t Give Up!