It’s been an interesting year so far. I think back on this time, last year and realise how better of I am, by the grace of God. But I’m still left feeling the effects of everything that happened last year. Things happen. Then you’re okay for some time. But how do we know the difference, something that is healing, or something that is being buried deeper and deeper inside, that will one day come back to us?
I have allowed myself to listen to the lies. Lies about me, lies about life, lies about family and lies about God. Growing up in a Christian home, going to a Christian church and attending a Christian school, left me with more confusion and questions about God than it did answers. And that’s the reality. The truth.
Every rejection. Every hurt. Every tear that I cried. It’s all well and good when things are in order, and as it should be. Then at the slightest tip of the order, anxiety pours back into you. All those things come rushing back, and you’re back at square one, wondering how you got there….again. “I thought I was okay”, you think. Have you ever thought that? I certainly have, time and time again these past 4 months. Not only do those things come back, a whole set of new worries sink into you. “Am I a bad person? Am I pleasing God? What if I’m not doing God’s will? What if it’s all my fault?”
You start to question, everything. Until you worry and worry and worry some more for good measure, until you’re too tired to do anything about it, and the circle comes back around. I don’t know about you. But I am sick of living like this. Yes I’ve made tremendous mistakes in the past. Yes, I’ve been foolish. Yes I’ve done things that make people look down on me. But I am sick of believing that those things define me…still…even now, after years and year. I am sick of believing the lies that swim in torrents in my head, about who everyone says that I am.
Anxiety, is horrible. It truly is. Once you’re in it it takes everything in you to get out of it. My deepest respect is with those who have to face it everyday, whose lives are consumed by it because I cannot imagine having to live in that kind of state, day in and day out. But that is the reality of the world. Anxiety exists. Even with this full Christian upbringing, I have not fully grasped who God is. And without that knowledge I cannot, heal my hurts.
Here’s what I did. On one side of a paper write down every lie, every worry, every anxious thought that swims around in your head. That’s the first step, getting it down on paper, and staring the Devil right in his eyes, with your head held high. Yes. These are my demons. On the other side (possibly with a different color), dive into scripture. There is no problem or worry, or fear in this world that there isn’t a bible verse about. Of that I am certain. One by one, beside all those lies and worries, write down what God says about those things, write down who God is. In the end, the only opinion that matters is God’s. If He has something to say, then we might as well hear it. I mean, what do we have to loose?
We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.– I John 4:6
Do that and leave it there. When you feel one of those thoughts, look back instead at what God says. Not what your head says. Not what other people say. Not even what you say. What God says, because that is the only Truth. He created you. Doesn’t He know you better than anyone else? I’m sure He does, in fact I know He does.
If you have faced anxiety or fear or if you just want to share something on your heart, feel free to leave a comment down below, I absolutely love to hear from all you amazing people who give me support and take the time to read through my work. Even if you’re new, I would love to hear from you.